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Post by Miss Jack on Dec 4, 2008 23:03:36 GMT -5
As it usually did, his temper rose with the heated quality of their conversation, his anger without target, just there, simmering with frustration, under the surface.
“I won’t apologize for putting your welfare before mine,” he said, “You do the same for me. And I wasn’t… proposing.” He closed his eyes, searching for a better way to explain. “No. It sounded like… but I just asked if you wanted to get married, not.. would you marry me. I didn’t think you cared for the idea at all, and I’m sorry if I didn’t want to go through the trouble just to get rejected.”
He inhaled and pressed his lips together, keeping her eye contact… but reluctantly. “I don’t…. love her like I love you.”
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Post by Jules on Dec 4, 2008 23:10:07 GMT -5
"Maybe if you'd 'gone through the trouble', you wouldn't have been." She was about to fly into another statement when he answered her question more succinctly than she'd been prepared for. Zizzy stood there, open-mouthed and stunned for a second. She would've run out of the room entirely if it weren't for the way she was dressed. So she settled for whirling around and dashing into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her and locking it.
Pressing her back against the cold wood she slid to the floor and fought against tears. She had been prepared for the answer, she'd always known. But it was, perhaps, the straw that broke the camel's back. How was she ever supposed to be secure that he wasn't wishing he was with her? Zizzy felt even more foolish in her little nightie now. The thought of how much better it would've looked on Iseabail finally made the tears start to fall.
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Post by Miss Jack on Dec 4, 2008 23:53:03 GMT -5
Shit. Shit, shit and more credible bad words he wouldn't say out loud.
He pressed his forehead against the bathroom door, his fingers resting on the handle, even though he knew she'd locked it. He could hear her crying, and it twisted in his insides like barbed wire.
"Zizzy, don't shut me out," he begged. "Even if you left me I wouldn't be with her. I want you, and nobody else."
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Post by Jules on Dec 5, 2008 0:09:09 GMT -5
"And yet you're still in love with her. Was I really your first?"
Zizzy knew he was right on the other side of the door. Most of her wanted to drop the whole thing and run into his arms. If he hadn't lied about loving Iseabail, why would he lie about only wanting to be with her? She couldn't fairly blame the baby, since they'd been together, living together since before she found out she was pregnant. But it still hurt like hell to know he was in love with someone else.
"No one understands why you picked me. I'm not beautiful, I don't sing, I'm not well-read, I've earned nicknames like 'Twiggy'. No one gets why you didn't go for the gorgeous, well-bred, Opera Starlet. You two have so much more in common. I can't hope to even begin to compare to her."
She stood up and ripped off the top, tired of feeling ridiculous in it. She'd been stupid to buy it. If she hadn't torn the fabric, she'd return it.
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Post by Miss Jack on Dec 5, 2008 0:17:57 GMT -5
He closed his eyes and would have melted right into the door if it had been possible.
"Of course you were my first," he said, with a pained grimace she couldn't see. "I'm sorry, Zizzy. I know you deserve better than that, and I'm trying. I'm just... not there yet."
He wanted to tell her Iseabail was completely erased from his heart, but it was hard for someone you'd loved, or still loved, to not leave some kind of trace with you. And he would be honest, if he could be nothing else.
"I don't care if you sing or if you're well read. I fell in love with you as you are. You're beautiful to me." He gripped the door handle. "Please let me in. I can't talk to you like this."
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Post by Jules on Dec 5, 2008 0:29:15 GMT -5
"Was I your first just because I was the first one of us to say yes?"
She knew he loved her, she knew he wanted to be with her. But knowing him...
"Would you die for her?" It may have seemed like an odd question, but it was one Zizzy wanted answered. Although again, she could predict the answer. Armand would probably die for a stranger. Which was mostly why she needed him to start being a little less self-sacrificing. Not that she though the situation was likely to arise, it was more the theory behind it. Turning around, without really thinking that her only piece of clothing was now lying on the bathroom floor, she unlocked the door and opened it.
"Well, would you?"
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Post by Miss Jack on Dec 5, 2008 0:39:21 GMT -5
He took a staggered step back at her words. Was she his first just because she'd said yes? Was she serious? It hurt to hear her disregard something that to him had been wonderful, even borderline spiritual in its deep feeling, and mock his commitment.
The door opened and he took another step back. He recognized Zizzy's lack of clothing, but they'd seen each other intimately enough it didn't bother him, especially now, when sexual attraction was the last thing on his mind.
"Zizzy..." he whispered, staring at her as if seeing her for the first time. "You want... someone else's life to measure the strength of my commitment to you?" He sighed, looking away. "No. I wouldn't. I'd stay here to be the father of my son."
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Post by Jules on Dec 5, 2008 0:51:19 GMT -5
"But not for me." She could feel her lip tremble. "You're never here when I wake up anymore. It makes me feel alone. I loose you too much in this big castle." She fought hard against her plethora of insecurities. Zizzy moved past him to pull on her sweats and one of the new shirts, much more modest, but at least gave breathing room for her growing stomach.
"I've gone out twice now, without telling you I was leaving, where I was going, who I would be with, or when I would be coming back. But it doesn't seem like you even notice."
She didn't really know how she felt. She knew she wanted to forget this, wish she'd never asked the stupid question. Wished she was still living in tenuous ignorance. "The scarring is gone. The baby is healthy, but he's blocking my use of lightning. And I wouldn't dare risk going all cloudy with him. I'm pretty much a blindfolded pinata as far as Iker is concerned."
"Do you understand how much I need you? How much it scares me that you still are in love with someone else? Do you understand that if you left I would---" She stopped herself. She wouldn't have him feel guilted into staying with her.
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Post by Miss Jack on Dec 5, 2008 1:02:16 GMT -5
Yes, he argued silently, for you too. But he couldn't say it because doing so was like saying he would let Iseabail die for Zizzy's sake and.... why would Zizzy ask him something like that? It wasn't like her to be so... he didn't even know what anymore.
"I notice," he said darkly, "And do you think I don't know that you're in danger every minute of every day? Do you think it doesn't distort every decision I make, even the simple ones?"
He walked the two steps it took to reach her and enveloped her in his arms. "I know I can't understand how you feel," he whispered into her air, "and I'm sorry you fell in love with me. I'm sorry I'm the father of your baby. I wish you had something better." He pulled back and took her face in his hands. "But I do love you, Zizzy, and I'm never going to leave you."
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Post by Jules on Dec 5, 2008 1:15:58 GMT -5
Zizzy clung to him fiercely. She was crying again, but softly, no noise or sobs, just running tears. "Don't say that, please don't. Don't be sorry. I love that I fell in love with you. I love that your the father of our son. I just want us to be happy. I want you to be happy."
Armand had probably said the best thing he could of at that moment, and she kissed him, needy and tear-saturated. Her hands dug at the several layers he was inevitably wearing until she reached skin and she could run her hands up his sides, pulling his multiple shirts upwards at the same time. He would never leave her. That thought calmed her. It didn't matter if he still had some vestigial feeling for Iseabail. It was her he wanted to be with forever---literally, since they were immortal.
She pulled away for just a second. "I'm sorry. I don't think of our first time that way. And I didn't mean to sound so....selfish. I'm just scared."
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Post by Miss Jack on Dec 5, 2008 1:26:41 GMT -5
He pressed a finger to her lips and then kissed her. He paused to tug his shirts over his head, tossing them to the floor. Still kissing her, he picked her up and moved them both to the bed. He leaned over her, studying her face in intense detail. "I need you too," he whispered, and tugged the waistband of her sweats over her hips.
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Post by Jules on Dec 5, 2008 1:43:49 GMT -5
****
Zizzy rested her head on his chest, loving the feeling of his arm draped around her. Honestly, no matter how cheesy it sounded, the only place she felt truly safe was with him, in his arms. She felt happy, and like always, it showed. But thanks to the pregnancy, it was doubly bright. "Genn took me maternity clothing shopping today. I think to prove not everyone in the family is horrified by the baby. I'm sorry if I'm blinding you. I won't be offended if you have to hide behind a pillow or something. And I was thinking it was about time we started thinking names...if you're up to it."
She knew the baby still wasn't as happy a prospect for him like it was for her. She was certain she'd be a horrible mother, but there was still a sense of awe that a little person was growing inside her. "Feel my tummy." She commanded "I'm getting nice and jolly." A much different mood than earlier.
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Post by Miss Jack on Dec 5, 2008 1:51:07 GMT -5
He grunted. "You're not blinding me." But there was definitely no chance to sleep through it. She was like a mini-sun in the room with them. He snuggled closer and ran a hand along the taut, somewhat scarred skin of her stomach.
"What names were you thinking?" he asked.
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Post by Jules on Dec 5, 2008 23:51:51 GMT -5
"Oh I don't know." She ran a hand up his stomach, delicately tracing his scare before moving on. It was like stroking warm stone. Using his shoulder as a hand-hold, she pulled herself against him until they where chest to chest and she could look directly at him. Zizzy smiled, "How about Milton? Or maybe Bob? What about Frank? Do you like Frank?"
She grinned at him and for a brief moment felt pity for him. Before, she'd been inclined to odd mood swings, and she suspected it was only going to get worse, building on a talent she possessed naturally, as the pregnancy progressed. Zizzy stroked the side of his face, "Oh you poor thing, having to put up with a pregnant storm."
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Post by Miss Jack on Dec 7, 2008 23:01:23 GMT -5
Hn. Pregnant storm. That was putting it lightly. She'd cried, she'd yelled, she'd declared love, they'd fought, they'd made love, and now they were playfully bantering in bed. All in less than twelve hours.
"I survived relatively unscathed," he said with the vague hint of a smirk. He raised an eyebrow at her choice of names. "Milton Ira?"
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