Post by Marguerite on Mar 9, 2008 3:41:08 GMT -5
Gavin cleared his throat and shaded his eyes, hoping desperately that he didn’t have helmet hair and that his newly polished armor hadn’t gotten dusty or disgusting on the ride over. “Princess?”
A pretty blonde leaned out of her high, ivory tower. “My- oh. It’s you.”
Crap. Bad start. Gavin forced himself to keep smiling. “Er, right. Me, milady.” He tried to make the best of the situation. “You know, I prefer ‘Hello handsome’, but that works too… er.” Mayday! Mayday! “Right. Er… there’s this… joust coming up, and if you were going, I’d be really honored to wear your favors-”
“I can’t,” she replied, examining her fingernails. “I’m washing my hair that night.”
“Didn’t you do that during the last tournament?”
She pointedly dropped her long braid of blond hair from her tower window to the ground.
“Right,” said Gavin, ruffling his own, much, much shorter blond hair. “So, er… forget I asked. Got any other mindless task for me?”
“Would you mind checking for split ends?”
Well, that was just the maraschino cherry on his sundae of utter failure. Gavin gamely hacked off a quantity of split ends and rode on. Other knights got to do really cool things, or got nice titles like ‘Knight of the Lions’ or ‘Knight of the Storm’ or something. No. Gavin got to be the Green Knight, which, as far as he could tell, meant that his dream of sunshine attributes made him a great gardener and very eco-friendly and keen on recycling programs, and the Maiden’s Knight, which meant that he had to ask every single freaking woman he saw if they needed help and to do their various biddings or else he’d drive himself mad with guilt.
And also to be smiley and genial and to accept, with a Zen-like frame of mind, that he was there only to hold the fort until Prince Charming moved on from his last flame. Gee, wasn’t his life swell.
He clanked down his visor and gamely beat some highway bandits over the head with his lance. It made him feel a lot better.
“He took my purse!” wailed the old lady they’d been attacking.
Gavin bashed the last one over the head. “Well, now you can loot their pockets in revenge.” He picked up her bag with the tip of his lance and passed it over. “Here you are, madam.”
The woman took the purse gratefully, then promptly followed through on Gavin’s idea and made herself a tidy sum. “Thank you, young man.”
“It’s Gavin,” Gavin replied. “Anything else I can do? I’m once more feeling the vicious, vicious rug burn of continual rejection. It’s like getting a paper cut on your tongue and I like to externalize by problems by beating the snot out of strangers.”
“What do you mean, Gavin?” the woman asked.
“Well,” Gavin said, warming to his topic, “I’m a knight-in-shining armor, right? So you’d think that my dedication to chivalry and my heroic deeds would more or less win me great honor and glory, right? Wrong. I can’t hold down a girlfriend, mostly because most girls don’t actually want me to stick around, I’m broke and currently living with my friend David and now all the other knights think I’m gay, the only times I’ve won tournaments are when the winner got disqualified for being insane, using magic, or having slept with the judges, and I nearly die a horrifically embarrassing death every week.” He took a deep breath. “Sorry, ma’am, to drop that all on you, but my life really sucks. I walked into a tree the other day. I don’t know how I did it, but I freaking walked into a tree.”
“Gavin, I think I can help you as you’ve helped me.”
Gavin pushed up the lid of his visor and stared at her. “Oh yeah? Why, who are you, Fate?”
“Well… yes,” Fate said, rather apologetically.
Gavin stared. After a moment, he said, “Why do you hate me so?”
Fate cringed. “It’s not that I hate you Gavin, but your life of continual hardship and your inability to ever catch a break have made you into everything a knight ought to be! Humble, chaste-”
“-I’d rather not be chaste, thanks! That’s not by choice!”
“-gracious, helpful, compassionate, good-natured… eloquent, in a really… really strange sort of way, practical, considerate, honest… a little too honest, actually, daring, skilled-”
“Are you telling me that I have crap luck because it’s made me good with a sword? ‘Because I’d rather have given up all the training for dumb luck, you know. I have to be good because otherwise I’ll die a horrible, miserable death! That’s not a good mindset!”
Fate cringed. “Look, Gavin. You’re a great knight!”
“Bollocks!”
“Well, Gavin, you have something that very few other people do,” Fate said.
“The luck of a legless rabbit under a ladder, after having broken a mirror and seen a black cat cross its path?”
“Yes, that,” Fate replied, “but also emotional stability. You know who you are and don’t depend entirely on other people for your happiness. You’re honorable and have a sense of purpose!”
“No offense,” Gavin said, “but that’s a pretty crappy trade-off for my luck.”
Fate rolled her eyes. “Okay. You get one day of luck, just to prove how much better off you are being you.” She pushed up her sleeves. “Foom! You’re lucky!”
“Er… thanks.”
Gavin went out and entered his name into all of the contests he could think of, then bought a lottery ticket and bet on the horse races. After he made himself a nice amount of money, he found that some rich old relative of his had died and left him a cushy apartment and his fortune. Gavin made some long-term investments by buying shares in the Opera House and decided that, over all, he really liked finance much more than knight errantry. Hey, ‘Green Knight’ could be talking about cash, too.
“David, I think my life took a dramatic upswing,” Gavin said, counting out his profits.
“Kudos, mate,” David replied. “How’d you get lucky?”
“Well, no, I didn’t get lucky lucky. I’m pretty sure everyone still thinks we’re gay. You could at least try to ask a girl out. God knows I do, though I meet with about the same success a goldfish has at pole-vaulting.”
David picked at a stray thread on the couch. “Yeah, well. Fate’s a bitch.”
“You have no idea,” Gavin replied. “Oh, got a new apartment, so now I don’t have to sleep on your couch like a hobo.”
“I wouldn’t let a hobo sleep on my couch,” David insisted.
“Yes you would. You couldn’t help it anymore than I can help asking anyone if they need help even if I hide in the bushes to avoid it.”
“… yeah, I would let a hobo sleep on my couch. But he’d have to shower first!”
“A true mark of your discernment, that,” Gavin replied dryly. “Nah, I just met Fate on the road and I’ve got one lucky day. What’d you do if you had one?”
He paused and when David struggled to respond, Gavin tagged on, “Er, be completely, completely honest.”
David grinned. “Thanks, mate. Er… try to find true love. Possibly go out drinking with you.”
“That’s really nice of you to say,” Gavin replied, slightly shocked.
“Well, yeah, you’re the only friend I’ve got who I’m not automatically obligated to like.”
Gavin guiltily paid off David’s mortgage.
After that, he discovered he’d won a horse and a year’s supply of free bagels through his various contests, and managed to convince his long-haired princess to go out with him for the evening. Gavin had a wonderful time that ended up with him stumbling home to his new apartment in the early hours of the morning, having learned a truly impressive new set of interesting techniques.
Fate sat in his happily-already-furnished living room. “Ah, Gavin! So, what did you learn?”
He blinked. “Well, I’m not exactly sure you’d want me to show you….”
Fate made a ‘tch’ing noise. “No, not that. I mean, about yourself?”
Gavin considered this carefully. “Well, I really like finance. Er… eye contact’s apparently more of a turn-on than I thought.”
“You’re a moron,” Fate said.
“No, I’m just slightly drunk,” Gavin corrected. “Hang on. I’ll get to it eventually. Er… I’m… lucky to know David? ‘Cause he’s a nice guy and a great friend. Oh, you want a bagel?” He beamed and picked one up out of the box in the kitchen. “Look! I have a toaster, now. And a year’s supply of free bagels. How awesome is that? I love bagels.” He cheerily put the bagel in the toaster on the second attempt.
“Have you found out that luck only provides temporary happiness and true stability of character promotes true contentment with oneself and one's circumstance?” Fate demanded.
“Nah,” replied Gavin. “I’ll be happy for a year with all the bagels I won. That's true contentment, right there, bagels for a year. It was awesome being that lucky.”
“Aren’t you more contented with yourself as an individual? I mean, you had true friends in lasting relationships instead of one-night-stands with ditzy princesses!”
“Hey, don’t knock one-night-stands until you’ve tried ‘em. Granted, yeah, I’d prefer a girlfriend, but since my luck ran out at the end of the day I had to do the best with what I could get.”
Fate stared at him. “You are entirely too practical to be any sort of knight. Do you even believe in chivalry?”
Gavin grabbed his newly toasted bagel. “I keep trying to convince myself not to, but I do. I’ve got some strawberry preserves too. Sure you don’t want a bagel? It’s cinnamon raison!”
“Stop. Talking. About. Bagels.”
Gavin glared. “Look, I have to take short term happinesses where I can ‘cause otherwise my life’s one unrelenting stream of misery and embarrassment. Is that what I was supposed to find out?”
Fate gave up. “Alright, look. Just… be a good person, okay?”
“I try to be,” Gavin replied.
“I suppose that’s all I can ask.”
“Can I ask to stay lucky?”
“Yes.”
“Will you let me?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Fate sighed. “Suffering builds character and all. You’re on top of things because you have to be, otherwise… why am I still trying to get through to you?”
Gavin shrugged. “I have no idea.”
Fate shook her head. “Goodbye.”
At that point in time, Gavin’s toaster caught on fire. He managed to keep his apartment from burning down, but it was a close call.
At least he had his bagels. Gavin was happy every morning for a year.
A pretty blonde leaned out of her high, ivory tower. “My- oh. It’s you.”
Crap. Bad start. Gavin forced himself to keep smiling. “Er, right. Me, milady.” He tried to make the best of the situation. “You know, I prefer ‘Hello handsome’, but that works too… er.” Mayday! Mayday! “Right. Er… there’s this… joust coming up, and if you were going, I’d be really honored to wear your favors-”
“I can’t,” she replied, examining her fingernails. “I’m washing my hair that night.”
“Didn’t you do that during the last tournament?”
She pointedly dropped her long braid of blond hair from her tower window to the ground.
“Right,” said Gavin, ruffling his own, much, much shorter blond hair. “So, er… forget I asked. Got any other mindless task for me?”
“Would you mind checking for split ends?”
Well, that was just the maraschino cherry on his sundae of utter failure. Gavin gamely hacked off a quantity of split ends and rode on. Other knights got to do really cool things, or got nice titles like ‘Knight of the Lions’ or ‘Knight of the Storm’ or something. No. Gavin got to be the Green Knight, which, as far as he could tell, meant that his dream of sunshine attributes made him a great gardener and very eco-friendly and keen on recycling programs, and the Maiden’s Knight, which meant that he had to ask every single freaking woman he saw if they needed help and to do their various biddings or else he’d drive himself mad with guilt.
And also to be smiley and genial and to accept, with a Zen-like frame of mind, that he was there only to hold the fort until Prince Charming moved on from his last flame. Gee, wasn’t his life swell.
He clanked down his visor and gamely beat some highway bandits over the head with his lance. It made him feel a lot better.
“He took my purse!” wailed the old lady they’d been attacking.
Gavin bashed the last one over the head. “Well, now you can loot their pockets in revenge.” He picked up her bag with the tip of his lance and passed it over. “Here you are, madam.”
The woman took the purse gratefully, then promptly followed through on Gavin’s idea and made herself a tidy sum. “Thank you, young man.”
“It’s Gavin,” Gavin replied. “Anything else I can do? I’m once more feeling the vicious, vicious rug burn of continual rejection. It’s like getting a paper cut on your tongue and I like to externalize by problems by beating the snot out of strangers.”
“What do you mean, Gavin?” the woman asked.
“Well,” Gavin said, warming to his topic, “I’m a knight-in-shining armor, right? So you’d think that my dedication to chivalry and my heroic deeds would more or less win me great honor and glory, right? Wrong. I can’t hold down a girlfriend, mostly because most girls don’t actually want me to stick around, I’m broke and currently living with my friend David and now all the other knights think I’m gay, the only times I’ve won tournaments are when the winner got disqualified for being insane, using magic, or having slept with the judges, and I nearly die a horrifically embarrassing death every week.” He took a deep breath. “Sorry, ma’am, to drop that all on you, but my life really sucks. I walked into a tree the other day. I don’t know how I did it, but I freaking walked into a tree.”
“Gavin, I think I can help you as you’ve helped me.”
Gavin pushed up the lid of his visor and stared at her. “Oh yeah? Why, who are you, Fate?”
“Well… yes,” Fate said, rather apologetically.
Gavin stared. After a moment, he said, “Why do you hate me so?”
Fate cringed. “It’s not that I hate you Gavin, but your life of continual hardship and your inability to ever catch a break have made you into everything a knight ought to be! Humble, chaste-”
“-I’d rather not be chaste, thanks! That’s not by choice!”
“-gracious, helpful, compassionate, good-natured… eloquent, in a really… really strange sort of way, practical, considerate, honest… a little too honest, actually, daring, skilled-”
“Are you telling me that I have crap luck because it’s made me good with a sword? ‘Because I’d rather have given up all the training for dumb luck, you know. I have to be good because otherwise I’ll die a horrible, miserable death! That’s not a good mindset!”
Fate cringed. “Look, Gavin. You’re a great knight!”
“Bollocks!”
“Well, Gavin, you have something that very few other people do,” Fate said.
“The luck of a legless rabbit under a ladder, after having broken a mirror and seen a black cat cross its path?”
“Yes, that,” Fate replied, “but also emotional stability. You know who you are and don’t depend entirely on other people for your happiness. You’re honorable and have a sense of purpose!”
“No offense,” Gavin said, “but that’s a pretty crappy trade-off for my luck.”
Fate rolled her eyes. “Okay. You get one day of luck, just to prove how much better off you are being you.” She pushed up her sleeves. “Foom! You’re lucky!”
“Er… thanks.”
Gavin went out and entered his name into all of the contests he could think of, then bought a lottery ticket and bet on the horse races. After he made himself a nice amount of money, he found that some rich old relative of his had died and left him a cushy apartment and his fortune. Gavin made some long-term investments by buying shares in the Opera House and decided that, over all, he really liked finance much more than knight errantry. Hey, ‘Green Knight’ could be talking about cash, too.
“David, I think my life took a dramatic upswing,” Gavin said, counting out his profits.
“Kudos, mate,” David replied. “How’d you get lucky?”
“Well, no, I didn’t get lucky lucky. I’m pretty sure everyone still thinks we’re gay. You could at least try to ask a girl out. God knows I do, though I meet with about the same success a goldfish has at pole-vaulting.”
David picked at a stray thread on the couch. “Yeah, well. Fate’s a bitch.”
“You have no idea,” Gavin replied. “Oh, got a new apartment, so now I don’t have to sleep on your couch like a hobo.”
“I wouldn’t let a hobo sleep on my couch,” David insisted.
“Yes you would. You couldn’t help it anymore than I can help asking anyone if they need help even if I hide in the bushes to avoid it.”
“… yeah, I would let a hobo sleep on my couch. But he’d have to shower first!”
“A true mark of your discernment, that,” Gavin replied dryly. “Nah, I just met Fate on the road and I’ve got one lucky day. What’d you do if you had one?”
He paused and when David struggled to respond, Gavin tagged on, “Er, be completely, completely honest.”
David grinned. “Thanks, mate. Er… try to find true love. Possibly go out drinking with you.”
“That’s really nice of you to say,” Gavin replied, slightly shocked.
“Well, yeah, you’re the only friend I’ve got who I’m not automatically obligated to like.”
Gavin guiltily paid off David’s mortgage.
After that, he discovered he’d won a horse and a year’s supply of free bagels through his various contests, and managed to convince his long-haired princess to go out with him for the evening. Gavin had a wonderful time that ended up with him stumbling home to his new apartment in the early hours of the morning, having learned a truly impressive new set of interesting techniques.
Fate sat in his happily-already-furnished living room. “Ah, Gavin! So, what did you learn?”
He blinked. “Well, I’m not exactly sure you’d want me to show you….”
Fate made a ‘tch’ing noise. “No, not that. I mean, about yourself?”
Gavin considered this carefully. “Well, I really like finance. Er… eye contact’s apparently more of a turn-on than I thought.”
“You’re a moron,” Fate said.
“No, I’m just slightly drunk,” Gavin corrected. “Hang on. I’ll get to it eventually. Er… I’m… lucky to know David? ‘Cause he’s a nice guy and a great friend. Oh, you want a bagel?” He beamed and picked one up out of the box in the kitchen. “Look! I have a toaster, now. And a year’s supply of free bagels. How awesome is that? I love bagels.” He cheerily put the bagel in the toaster on the second attempt.
“Have you found out that luck only provides temporary happiness and true stability of character promotes true contentment with oneself and one's circumstance?” Fate demanded.
“Nah,” replied Gavin. “I’ll be happy for a year with all the bagels I won. That's true contentment, right there, bagels for a year. It was awesome being that lucky.”
“Aren’t you more contented with yourself as an individual? I mean, you had true friends in lasting relationships instead of one-night-stands with ditzy princesses!”
“Hey, don’t knock one-night-stands until you’ve tried ‘em. Granted, yeah, I’d prefer a girlfriend, but since my luck ran out at the end of the day I had to do the best with what I could get.”
Fate stared at him. “You are entirely too practical to be any sort of knight. Do you even believe in chivalry?”
Gavin grabbed his newly toasted bagel. “I keep trying to convince myself not to, but I do. I’ve got some strawberry preserves too. Sure you don’t want a bagel? It’s cinnamon raison!”
“Stop. Talking. About. Bagels.”
Gavin glared. “Look, I have to take short term happinesses where I can ‘cause otherwise my life’s one unrelenting stream of misery and embarrassment. Is that what I was supposed to find out?”
Fate gave up. “Alright, look. Just… be a good person, okay?”
“I try to be,” Gavin replied.
“I suppose that’s all I can ask.”
“Can I ask to stay lucky?”
“Yes.”
“Will you let me?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Fate sighed. “Suffering builds character and all. You’re on top of things because you have to be, otherwise… why am I still trying to get through to you?”
Gavin shrugged. “I have no idea.”
Fate shook her head. “Goodbye.”
At that point in time, Gavin’s toaster caught on fire. He managed to keep his apartment from burning down, but it was a close call.
At least he had his bagels. Gavin was happy every morning for a year.
